


A Present For Levi

by thevessel (clstacy3)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, One Shot, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29241588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clstacy3/pseuds/thevessel
Summary: The members of Levi Squad have noticed that their Captain is more angry than usual and have come up with one solution to resolve it.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	A Present For Levi

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I just write what appears in my brain.

On the top of Wall Maria, the members of Levi Squad had abandoned their tasks for a heated argument

"Look, all I’m saying is that the man looks even more constipated than usual” Jean snorted.

Eren was trying very hard to be the one with the last word,(and he wanted to prove Jean wrong) but that was far from uncommon“Well… well.. maybe that’s because he has to deal with your sorry ass!”

“NUH-UH, you’re the dumbass!”

“Can’t you two not fight for two seconds?” Historia was quick to intervene before the two man-children came to blows. “Look at Armin. You’re making him nervous”.

".....no, it’s fine” came from the tiny voice from the corner. Armin was indeed looking kinda green. He was worried that they would get in trouble for not performing their duties and he HATED being in trouble. The way that Levi glared at everyone with a mix of disappointed, exhaustion, and pure fury, ugh. Now that Armin thought about it, maybe Jean had a point? The Captain was more irritable than usual.

“For god’s sake Jean, we cannot hire a stripper for the Captain” said Reiner, who was attempting to be a voice of reason, but it wasn't like he was trying that hard.

Bertholdt did a spittake “We’re… we’re talking about strippers???”. He had not realized what the conversation was about until now but didn’t wanna ask in case that made him look stupid.

“Yes, Bertholdt” Reiner slapped his squad member on the back. “For one, this is absolutely crossing a line and you dumbasses wouldn’t know where to get a stripper in the first place.”

“What, and you would?” Jean snapped back.

“Of course not! I get my women the old-fashioned way”

Connie and Sasha were beyond disappointed. They had already set their sights on a real-life stripper for their poor, sex-deprived Captain. “But Reiner! "Can’t you see that Captain Levi needs our help!?” “ And, and, and! It’s his birthday soon! It’d be like a big surprise birthday present of what he really wants; to get railed!” protested Sasha and Connie

“Um.. I think that’s a prostitute, not a stripper” but no one had heard Armin.

“You guys are all wrong! This is what I’ve been saying!! The Captain is totally bad-ass, there’s no way that he can’t have anyone he wants.” said Eren, who was desperate to reinsert himself into the conversation.

Jean was huffing now, more angry at Eren than convinced of his points “It’s not about whether or not he could have sex, he isn’t because he’s so stressed about everything else! The man doesn’t have time to get his dick wet!”

“Okay, okay, let’s slow this down. This conversation is taking a misogynistic turn and I would like to not degrade women today .” intervened Historia again.

“Oh no!” cried Connie “ We love women!!” The men were nodding their heads vigorously “But the Captain needs services that only a woman of the night can provide”

“Jesus, FINE! Since we can’t agree, why don’t we see what Mikasa thinks? She hasn’t offered her opinion yet.”

All eyes turned towards Mikasa. She had been trying to be as out of earshot as possible while keeping Eren in her eye line. Mikasa had no opinion. If it was up to her, they would all butt out of the Captain’s sex life and spend more time slicing up Titans. She merely shrugged and an exasperated sigh came from her squad members.

“I still think we should get the stripper” said Jean and the argument broke out all over again. Eren was convinced that Levi was getting pussy left and right, Armin tried not to be involved, Mikasa was not involved, Historia was trying to pull Jean off of Eren and Connie and Sasha had started a rousing chant of “Stripper! Stripper! Stripper! Stripper!” None of them had noticed a disgruntled-looking man who had been in earshot the entire time

“CADETS” roared the familiar voice of the very subject that they were discussing.

“Does anyone care to explain what is the meaning of this racket?” He was met with sheepish faces and eyes turned down to become suddenly very interested in the ground. Levi glared at each one of the soldiers he was put in charge of and let out the sigh of a man who should have died several years ago, but was cursed to keep living.

“ Jesus, cadets, you weren’t even talking about the right kind of stripper. For god’s sake I’m gay. Now get your asses back to work!”


End file.
